Have you ever felt as though you were a little fish in a big pond full of bigger fish? Have you ever questioned how you would survive the deadly pursuit, if you will, of living in that pond?
I have found myself there many times over the past six years. Often I’ve been like Nemo on a great search for significance. Other times I’ve been as Marlon on a great search for others. And many, many times I’ve just been Dory not remembering what I was searching for at all. Six years of difficult decisions, illness, wellness, surgeries, rehabs, chemo, anger, frustration, financial instability, death and loss. And from time to time in those six years I’ve felt very alone and terribly small in the pond.
I’ve felt the anxiety of approaching annihilation — the fear of being swallowed whole in one single moment or even maybe a series of moments.
But this morning I woke up with a different “feeling”. Today I woke up with a glimpse into the fact that I’m not a little fish in the pond. Removing myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually from the “place” of insecurity and doubt.
This means, simply, that I’m not floating on my side at the surface as the fish who has withered or swam myself to death in circles not knowing what I’m looking for. Instead I am choosing to believe that I am a giant conquering the land before me. And if I believe this then I must believe also I’m not being consumed by destruction. I’m choosing to see me not as my feelings would have me be seen but as the truth of my experiences have proven me to be.
I’m being…
Pursued in grace.
Nourished.
Supported.
Held.
Forgiven.
And propelled.
Something shifts when I look at my circumstances differently. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and experience despair. But everything changes when I choose to look at “this right now” from a “one day it will be” window. The Matrix moment happens and all of a sudden the reality is altered into something that pushes me forward — I’m propelled.
Unknowingly intentionally (read that until you get the dichotomy of it) I’ve been speaking some things over my present which only make sense if I choose to look back at the experiences that have brought me here. And I’m refreshed in that today. But I’m still in the middle of some other things I cannot explain — and this morning I decided not to try to explain them. (Proverbs 18:21 Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life, and the talkative person will reap the consequences.)
This morning I woke up to a renewal of my heart and mind. I rose this morning to a vision of looking at my now from the viewpoint of tomorrow. Tomorrow in a series of declarations.
Tomorrow this will be different.
Tomorrow this will be in the past.
Tomorrow I will see something I just could not see today.
Tomorrow I will understand better.
So today, I will trust that my life is held in the hands of the One who created every fiber of my being. I will trust in what I’ve grown to believe that He who created me is a Good, Good God with good, good things in mind for me.
Psalm 40 The Passion Translation (TPT)
A Joyful Salvation
For the Pure and Shining One — A song of poetic praise, by King David
I waited and waited and waited some more, patiently, knowing God would come through for me. Then, at last, he bent down and listened to my cry. He stooped down to lift me out of danger from the desolate pit I was in, out of the muddy mess I had fallen into. Now he’s lifted me up into a firm, secure place and steadied me while I walk along his ascending path.
A new song for a new day rises up in me every time I think about how he breaks through for me! Ecstatic praise pours out of my mouth until
everyone hears how God has set me free. Many will see his miracles; they’ll stand in awe of God and fall in love with him! Blessing after blessing comes to those who love and trust the Lord. They will not fall away, for they refuse to listen to the lies of the proud. O Lord, our God, no one can compare with you. Such wonderful works and miracles are all found with you! And you think of us all the time with your countless expressions of love—far exceeding our expectations! It’s not sacrifices that really move your heart. Burnt offerings, sin offerings—that’s not what brings you joy. But when you open my ears and speak deeply to me, I become your willing servant, your prisoner of love for life. So I said, “Here I am! I’m coming to you as a sacrifice, for in the prophetic scrolls of your book you have written about me. I delight to fulfill your will, my God, for your living words are written upon the pages of my heart.” I tell everyone everywhere the truth of your righteousness. And you know I haven’t held back in telling the message to all. I don’t keep it a secret or hide the truth. I preach of your faithfulness and kindness, proclaiming your extravagant love to the largest crowd I can find! So Lord, don’t hold back your love or withhold your tender mercies from me. Keep me in your truth and let your compassion overflow to me no matter what I face.
Shawna Rollins 